All of the following statements are authentic. Only spelling mistakes have been corrected. Each correspondent’s name and email address has been changed to respect her privacy.

Statements of wives of addicts

Whether it be their husbands, their lovers or their boy friends, they are the first victims. They are the ones who are deceived, deluded by the lies of their partners (even by omission) and humiliated when they learn the truth.
What they don’t know, most of the time, is that it is more a question of addiction, not just perversion. Is it normal that they react and rebel against what they view as treason? Having read the various statements, they will be able to review their opinions and better understand their partners’ problems.

Sexual abuse of my daughter
A wife’s testimony
Pornography is killing our relationship
My husband ‘chats’ with another woman
He is two men in one body
My husband says that all men look at porn
I told my husband that he was leading a double life

Sexual abuse of my daughter

A year ago, I had an affair with a nice, kind young man, with whom I had a beautiful relationship. We both fell head over heels in love. He was affectionate and attentive, not only with me but with my two daughters as well. He moved in with us shortly afterwards. Everything was perfect between us and we never argued about anything, until………
He never hid the fact that he visited porn sites regularly and not knowing how deeply ingrained his problem was, I didn’t make a fuss about it. He didn’t work so he stayed at my place all day long. After a while, I realised that most of his time was spent searching for pornographic photographs and films and saving them on MY computer so that he could view them at his leisure.
In April, I found a file in which there must have been thousands of photos of young girls aged about ten years. I immediately thought of my own daughters (aged 3 and 5 years). As a result, we separated, even though he kept insisting that somebody else had sent them to him, something which naturally enough, I didn’t believe.
After an in-depth discussion of the subject, we got back together, with the proviso that he would not go on the internet. The password was changed, which meant that he had no easy access to the internet. I became aware that on a few occasions he continued his game behind my back and when I spoke to him about it, he admitted that he had started again but that now, it was over (he had been indulging his habit for such a long time before our relationship began, that he found it difficult to stop). In short he was hooked on cybersex and didn’t know how to quit. On the sexual side, everything seemed to be going to plan, as he didn’t masturbate every day as he had previously. One fine day, my five year old daughter (whose time is spent between my ex-husband and myself) tells her father that she had been playing at ‘firemen’ with MY lover, a game which involved ‘making the liquid come out’. She had obviously masturbated him on demand and he had obviously touched her.
There’s no point in telling you how, on that day, the sky fell in on me. Only once has this happened to me, but once too often and it is indelibly printed on my memory. My friend, whom I adore and whom I believed cured (or at least on the way to a cure), had crossed the line from fantasy into reality. What followed were meetings with lawyers, the police and investigators. He will be obliged to attend therapy sessions as soon as his sentence is pronounced, which gladdens my heart.
We have seen each other since then, but never with my daughters present. I recognise that he has a serious problem, probably originating from his childhood and I hope with all my heart that he will learn how to deal with it. That he loves me, I have no doubt. He has no idea why he did it: he regrets it from the bottom of his heart and I believe him. I have forgiven him, despite all the harm he has done to me and my daughter because I know that he is ‘ill’ psychologically and is prepared for anything to enable him to understand why he did it (psychology, psychotherapy, therapy etc.) so that he may be cured of cybersex, the rapidly spreading problem of today which sometimes leads to more serious problems.
Thanks for reading this.

Unfortunately, you’re right and it’s not about to go away as nobody is measuring the danger posed by the excesses of sexual liberalisation. Even the advertisements in the street are not always innocent and can be a temptation for a sex addict. Thanks for your contribution.

Orroz

A wife’s testimony

I read the article which you posted on the France3 website, “Public and Private Lives” with regard to pornography addiction. I also visited your website where you explain how this addiction originates and found it very interesting. I believe that more should be discussed about this subject, especially the consequences of pornography on individuals.
I am writing to you because I need some help which I am having difficulty in finding. I would like to understand why a married man needs to watch this kind of thing, devaluing human relationships. Frustration ? Dissatisfaction ? Marriage problems ?
I have just got married. I became aware that my husband secretly looked at pornographic photos and videos which he downloaded from the Internet. I spoke to him about it. He told me that he regretted it, that he knew it wasn’t healthy and above all, asked me to forgive him. Now he has recommenced and I spoke to him about it again. Consequently he explained to me that it was an addiction, just like smoking. He didn’t know why. He promised (yet again) to change because he was afraid of losing me and explained that it wouldn’t be easy. I consulted a relationship councillor because I needed to talk to somebody about it. She told me that my husband needed to consult a psychiatrist. I think that the word ‘psychiatrist’ frightened my husband because he wanted to try to overcome it by himself or with my help. I am aware of his efforts. He spends a lot less time in front of the computer, either to resist temptation or because he is losing interest. I don’t know. Since my discovery, I have asked myself a lot of questions which is consequently affecting our marriage. It is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I hope you will be able to help me. Thanking you in advance.

Thanks for your message, your sincerity and your trust. I know from experience that it’s not easy to give up because this addiction often goes back to childhood and the subconscious is difficult to master. In fact it needs to be reprogrammed, like computer software and that takes time. After several setbacks, one becomes more and more aware of the damage to the psychic equilibrium and emotions. Then the stimulation diminishes and disappears. But it’s essential to work on the personal problems and that can’t be achieved alone. Tell your husband to start by printing out all the pages on my site, reading them calmly (several times if necessary) until his subconscious registers this information. But avoid blaming him, that will only strengthen his addiction.
Whilst remaining firm and without conceding with regard to his addiction, be patient and loving with him, he has more need of it than ever before he comes to realise that there is no comparison between his fantasies and the strength of your love and embraces. Then he will understand that a psychotherapist’s help is absolutely imperative. Lots of men think that they can overcome this on their own but it’s their pride which has to come into question, the same pride which makes them think that the satisfaction they derive from their fantasies can also help to calm their sexual desires.
That’s my advice and tell him that he can write to me if he wants to, OK ? Good luck and so long !

Thanks for your reply. I have more questions for you. Do you think that a man who watches pornographic videos is unsatisfied in his relationship ? Does he want to reproduce what he watches or is it only for the excitement that these images give him (whatever type they be)?

No, in fact it’s a separate world which, in principle, he will not get confused with your relationship. He is sometimes frustrated with his partner on the sexual front but in any case he will always be frustrated unless he can cure himself. It’s excitement which motivates him because once his pleasure is sated, he becomes himself again, with self reproach and guilt feelings. It’s his secret garden which he is cultivating, about which he speaks to nobody, not even his closest friends, because in fact he feels ashamed.

Do you think that this is the start of infidelity ?

Generally no, even if he is tempted to be so in order to see his fantasies come to fruition. But he doesn’t dare to because, in fact, HE IS FRIGHTENED OF WOMEN. Some bachelors visit prostitutes, but they are rare.

I notice that my husband is trying very hard. He spends a lot less time in front of his computer. He is also more attentive to me. Has he now become aware of something? I need to understand this. Thanks.

Yes, I think so. They say that once a pervert is exposed, he starts to get better and it’s true. As he’s now not the only one aware of his secret, it loses interest for him. But if you notice him becoming gloomy, withdrawn, tired or irritable, ask him if he has reverted to it. If he has, insist that he gets help.
That’s my advice. Good luck.

Orroz

Pornography is killing our relationship

I would like to know how to help my partner to understand how his excessive use of pornography is starting to destroy our relationship. From the beginning of our relationship he told me that he had an impressive collection of pornographic material. Being an open-minded person without any taboos, I said that this would be his secret domain and that I need not know about it. Nevertheless in the year that we have been living together, not a day goes by without him downloading dozens of photographs. The first thing he does when he comes in from work is to spend half an hour in the toilet with his specialist magazines.
I’ve had countless conversations with him to try to make him understand how I feel about it and as you say, quite rightly, in your test, they are only broken promises. It’s now obvious that this has crushed my emotions and now I can only doubt him.
I’d like to show him the test but I’m worried about his reaction and that instead of confronting it, it will only serve to reinforce his denial that he is hooked on pornography. He gives me the following reasons: I’ve always looked at porn. / It’s got nothing to do with you, you will always be a standard of beauty I will continue to ogle. / Even before the Internet I looked at porn etc. / (These are only a few examples of what he says).
Do you have any reference points, a section of personal accounts ? Or people I could contact to tell me of their experiences… Thanks for replying.

Evidently, your partner is really hooked….
I understand that you are frightened of his reaction but I think that it will do him good if you make him aware of his addiction, it’s love. If he loves you enough, he won’t resent you for it. In fact, deep down, he hates himself for it.
My advice to you is to print out the test page and make him study it, as well as the article “How to beat it” and that of the witness statements.
Don’t hesitate to call me if you need any advice, OK ?

Thanks a lot for your rapid response. I have just read the various accounts and the fact that I no longer feel alone with this problem and that it is possible to rediscover emotional harmony in a relationship, coupled with a healthy and rewarding sex life makes me feel a lot better… (your story is proof of it).
(.../...) Do you think that I will help by giving him some sort of ultimatum (not blaming even though that sounds paradoxical), showing him and making him read some articles, putting his problem before his eyes and if possible in his head, assuring him that I will remain at his side, though in all honesty I couldn’t bear to see him continue to do it for a long time without trying to control himself as he has so frequently promised me.

Yes, I encourage you to do so. Put him under pressure; ask him to make some concrete decisions to cure himself and assure him of your support as you don’t wish to lose him (this is very important).

At the moment I feel very bad because yesterday (his birthday), I agreed to go with him to a strip club (we live in Montreal) and I saw him looking in a way that he never regards me since the Internet and porn have taken so up much of his time. Even I didn’t know how to say NO to him. But after reading your correspondence, I feel that I now have the strength to say NO, even if, sooner or later, it means I will lose him.

OK ! Be strong !

Please excuse the length of my letter. I suppose that you must receive an enormous quantity of correspondence.

Not really, in fact. Of each thousand visitors to the site, there are only one or two messages like yours. This proves the difficulty men have in confiding and subjecting themselves to scrutiny !
Thanks for your support and if you don’t mind, I’ll keep you abreast of any developments in a more concise fashion.

 

My husband ‘chats’ with another woman

Hello, I’ve just read all of your site, it’s fantastic! At last I understand certain things about my husband. We’ve known each other for 11 years and from the start he has watched porn films, read the magazines and used the sex telephone lines. In the last year he has become an expert on porn sites and videos etc. and has also found a female internet correspondent with whom he makes sexy webcam calls and at the same time they speak to each other in sexy language, as you would expect.

You know, sometimes these are men who pretend to be women! Total illusion...

It’s true that we have made webcam calls together with other couples and now that I’ve read everything on your site, I’ve become aware that for him, it’s a drug.

And you agreed to it because you love him. But you are risking the possibility that you will become hooked as well.

There had been a lot of tension in our relationship. He assured me that I was the only one for him but that this excited him. He said that it was something he couldn’t do with me.

That’s the eternal male problem of ‘mother and whore’. Apparently your husband has never resolved the problem he had with his mother.

After a great deal of conflict, he told me that he had destroyed this pseudo, but I doubt it. I believe that he will contact her again. I feel guilty about having tolerated everything.

No, you’re not guilty of anything if you tolerated it out of love.

I love him and on the sexual side and we are getting on better and better. When he forgets about Internet sex, it makes me more sexy. What do you advise ? Thanks in advance for your advice.

Carry on being sexy, but at the same time become more demanding with regard to the quality and the clarity of his feelings towards you. Tell him that it’s not the sex that excites you but feeling his desire for you and only for you. That it’s the loving feelings which bring desire, then pleasure and not the other way round. Tell him that if he runs after his desires like the donkey after the carrot, he’ll never be satisfied. NEVER. Whereas if he makes love to you as he did in the early days of your relationship, he will be satisfied because sex and emotional love will be reunited.
That’s my advice, don’t hesitate to reply if you want to, OK ?

ORROZ

He is two men in one body

Hello Orroz. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your site from which (at last) I have learned a lot and above all has enabled me to understand a lot of things. I have been living with my boyfriend for nearly four years and I found out very quickly that he was hooked on porn even though at the beginning I told myself that he had been single for seven years and that this was just a dirty habit. I therefore told him immediately that this didn't please me at all, in fact it hurt me. He told me that it was not a problem; he would simply stop doing it. Obviously, it's not that easy. He carried on for two more years visiting porn sites frequently (2 or 3 times per week) and when I noticed, he tried to make me feel guilty, saying that it was definately me who had the problem, that all men do that, that it had nothing to do with me, only for ‘wanking’ as he put it.
The porn sites he visited became more and more hard core, scenes of violence, torture, incest and photographs of naked children. I won't say what he downloaded today. Three weeks ago, he started again and as I am keeping an eye on him (because all this has made me totally paranoid), I noticed what he was doing immediately and as a result, we nearly separated. I have a ten year old daughter so there are things which I cannot accept. I am frightened for her. I know that he is trying hard because he visits the sites less and less often and we have decided to no longer regard is as a taboo subject. I try to talk to him calmly even though it is difficult at times, principally because he is ashamed and it bothers him.
I gave him your website address and he did take a look at it (once only unfortunately). He took the test and told me that he was really shocked to clearly see where he was at and to read the various accounts. For me, most of all I have understood it's not just a simple desire which urges him to these porn sites; the problem lies deeper - temptation is all around us. A great many sites have links to other sites which are undesirable. Finally, although we surf together very innocently (we search for humourous sites) a pornographic site appeared. He panicked and angrily made me bear witness: "You see ???" He appeared to feel guilty and it took me a long time to calm him down and make him realise that I wasn't blaming him for the hazards of the internet. This is to show you just how much the problem can become complicated and the psychological impacts become reality !!! But I am concerned for the future, yet haven't told him. I know that he will start again. I know that he hasn't managed to shake it off. We have been fighting about this for four years and I have the feeling that I won't see it to the end. I love him and we get on well together but each time he starts again, I become more weary, less argumentative. I doubt him and his honesty with regard to me (I know he still lies to me and I sense when he would like me to disappear so that he may visit his sites). It's very difficult and complicated.
There are two men in his body. One day I came home very early. He was on one of his porn sites but he had had the time to close the page, although it was his gestures toward me which aroused my suspicions. He literally attacked me, touched me, looked at me, trying to drag me toward him in a brutal, animalistic way. Even his physique and eyes were different. I really had the impression that he was a pervert ! In a state of shock, I pushed him away violently and told him that I wasn't what he believed me to be. At that moment his face changed and it seemed as though he had just realised that I was there ! How should I react next time ? What does he need ? How can I help him ? How much longer ? Up to now, the only advice I've been given is "leave him, he's sick!" or "forget it, that's normal". Naturally, neither of these solutions appeals to me. I want to spend my life with this man but I don't know how to achieve it. Sorry about the length of this letter and thanks for your website, it doesn't resolve everything but at least it has opened my eyes.

There's no need to apologise, it has done you good to write all this down so that's good. I believe that the worst thing, for the addicts as well as their partners, is silence and incomprehension. Be patient now that he understands that he is a porn addict. He will need time to give it up, the time to disgust himself with this demeaning obsession, the time to try the limits of his will-power and to see to what extent a life without this drug is a real life, a free life full of love. To your questions my replies are:
- How to react next time ? - By saying to him "Have you made an appointment with a psychologist ?" or "Have you printed out the pages from Orroz' web site to read ?"
- What does he need ? - Love, to feel forgiven and loved, but that will come with time and the trust which you place in him.
- How can I help him ? By buying books on the subject of love such as those referenced on my site*
It's obvious that you love him sincerely. I hope, therefore, that you will persevere with this course of action before finding the love which consists sharing, attention and tenderness. Sex comes from that, not the other way round. But men have forgotten that....
Tell your man that he can write to me if he wants to. OK ?
Best wishes

Orroz

My husband says that all men look at porn

Thanks for your rapid response. It’s good to find a site that hasn’t been perverted by the porn industry, where you feel that you are connected to real human beings and not crooks who have only their own interests at heart !
After I wrote to you, I spoke to my husband and showed him your site. He replied that I shouldn’t let myself be influenced by such rubbish. I told him that I think that he has a problem and that I would like him to try to stop all of that. He replied that all men use pornography, that I should stop creating problems where there are none, that marriage should not be a prison like this. That, anyway, I no longer satisfy him in bed (and that in addition I had become irritating). Finally, he has broken a promise to keep the peace. He denies being an addict or even having a problem.

ALL men ? No ! Only about 20%, of whom there are only half who could be classed as addict, like him and that’s the truth. And it’s rising constantly since the internet entered into the market.

I’ve had several nervous attacks, as though everything I had been holding back emerged at the same time. I became like a frustrated wife, never happy, always suspicious. That is nothing like the real me and it has to change. Finally, I’ve decided to quit town for a while. When I told him that, he was neither hot nor cold. Do you think that he will end up by recognizing the harm that he’s doing to our relationship ? Is he only annoyed that a woman wants to give him orders ?

I don’t know you well enough to be able to reply to these questions, but you should discuss it with a very close girlfriend, or with other women to enable you to view your situation more clearly and to see if you can find your equilibrium and happiness with this man, who appears to me to be very selfish.

I know that there is not much choice left for me and that hurts ! Naturally, it damages my self esteem so that I now don’t know what to do. One can’t break up for that ! But to stay with a man because it’s the easiest option is also cowardly.

Exactly ! If he doesn’t wish to consult a psychologist, see one yourself, it will help you to see things more clearly.

Orroz

I told my husband that he was leading a double life

I am writing to you from Quebec. I found your site while searching for information on the subject of pornography addiction. I wanted to understand what my partner was experiencing after his admission that he used these sorts of sites. I printed out everything I found on site as well as other articles dealing with the subject.
My partner broached the subject of pornography about three months ago during a conversation. When a conflicting or uncomfortable situation arises, we discuss it and try to understand and to rectify the situation. We are both in our mid-forties and have been living together for one year. I am very broad minded. Being very liberated and liking to make love, I became aware that that sometimes his desire to make love was luke warm. Often I would caress him for a long time without him getting an erection. He liked that and wanted me to continue to caress him simply because he liked the gentleness of my touch or because he had an erection. At times he turned his back on me on the pretext that he was too tired or that his penis was too sensitive. Other times he has even rejected me after I gave him an erection with oral sex. I have a strong libido and I’ve often asked him “Don’t you want to make love ?” I’ve often felt that he rushed through the cuddles and the foreplay.
He spent a lot of time in front of his computer and his sound equipment in the recording studio which he had set up for himself. As I spend a lot of time on my own computer (I am studying programming and I have to do the studying and projects in the evening, after work), I was understanding and happy that he had a passion of his own. However he would often come to cuddle me in the evening and when he noticed that I was free or watching the television whilst waiting for him, he would tell me that he was going lock up and would come and join me but often two hours would pass before he came back and I went to bed alone. Sometimes I would go to him to ask if he were going to be long. I told him that I would wait for him in bed. He responded that he wouldn’t be long but yet again I would go to sleep alone. Other times he woke up during the night and not being able to get back to sleep, he would go back to his computer for a couple of hours. When he admitted to me that he was looking at porn on the Internet, I was nevertheless shocked. He assured me that it was normal for him because he found the women so beautiful that it helped him to relax and that most men looked at it etc. At the moment, as I haven’t been aware of all of the implications, I’ve done nothing about it. However during the next few days, I tried to find out more on the subject and to understand what he was going through. And I tried to understand his lengthy periods in his studio
One evening, having had enough of waiting, I got up about one o’clock in the morning to see him and found the door locked. It took him a while to reply and when he opened the door the computer screen was blue (he took the time to close the screen he was looking at). I asked him “What are you doing at this time of the morning on your computer ?” When he took me in his arms, I noticed that his heart was beating furiously and when I pointed this out to him, I also asked if he had been looking at porn sites. He replied, shamefacedly, that he had. That really upset me. I asked him if he would restrict his visits to these sites to when I was away from home (at college or elsewhere) but not to do it when we could spend time together as a couple. We are busy enough; our time together is precious and shouldn’t be wasted on that kind of thing. I also pointed out that there was no lack of sexual availability as far as I am concerned. During the following few weeks, he spent more time with me and was more attentive to my needs. I was aware that he sometimes visited the sites at night but that didn’t bother me. We still made love.
I still read various articles and accounts from your web site on the subject and print them off, thinking that his penchant for pornography wasn’t so much addiction and I’ve given myself the time to assimilate the information and reflect upon it before broaching the subject again. He then admitted that he had been exposed to this at a very young age (3 or 4 years old) because his father looked at it openly and even went to see porn at the cinema every week. He also said that he wanted to have sex as early as seven years old and that at that age he’d already become addicted. I pointed out that this affected his desire for me and diminished his libido and that I had seen him masturbating whilst working (he works at home) by the shadow which filtered under the bathroom door. I also told him that I had seen the magazine which he had hidden behind the dustbin. We discussed all of this openly and calmly. I gave him all of the data on the subject which I had collected from the Internet, the individual accounts and related issues. He read some pages and after doing so, became dejected for about a week but didn’t want to talk about it.
Since then, he has spent more time with me and has tried to visit the sites less often but I knew that he went there when I went to my evening classes and in the mornings after I had gone to work. We discussed the effects of this and the solutions and he proposed removing the Internet from his computer and leaving it exclusively on mine, which is in full view of everybody and on which we could install some control software.
But that was two months ago and the night time visits have recommenced as well as some ‘quick’ visits of 20 or 30 minutes on the pretext that he was going to check his emails !! We have talked about it on frequent occasions but each time he tries to minimize the seriousness of it. When I mentioned that he was leading a double life which couldn’t continue; on the one hand, all the excitement he got from these sites and on the other, only the tenderness and the cuddles with me as in a platonic relationship. He asked me “Why couldn’t I have both ?”!! I told him that I couldn’t live a maternal relationship like that ; I’ve already got 4 children and it’s a partner I want ; that I had never before experienced such a relationship ; On the contrary, my previous partners spoiled me with foreplay but what I said about him hasn’t changed in that regard, so here I am again, deceived and hurt and I’m becoming more and more frustrated that he has practically abandoned foreplay.
When he visits these sites, it makes me feel emotionally cold and I become very distant for several days. That makes him more tender and attentive towards me but unfortunately he has no libido and so it continues until next time. However I must say that the longer this goes on, the longer the periods of my coldness become, the more indifferent I become and the more my estimation for him diminishes. The same phenomenon occurs when we make love ; I see a vision of him in front of his computer, particularly when he visits sites with young girls because he doesn’t like big tits, and that disgusts me even more. Furthermore, I realised after talking to him about it, that he couldn’t prolong foreplay for too long because it made his desire diminish to the point where it disappeared completely. When, once, he asked me to caress him for a while before we did it, he actually lost interest completely and asked me to stop.
A week ago, reading an article on the subject, I understood that whilst he wanted a relationship, it was more a pressing need to penetrate, otherwise his desire was extinguished. It really shocked me to see the impact that it had on our relationship and that discouraged me even more. Now I don’t even get any pleasure out of making love ; I feel cold emotionally and that leaves me feeling dejected after doing it. Furthermore, he doesn’t seem to realise that the last few times we have done it, I didn’t come and I hardly reacted at all. Either that or he’s just deliberately ignoring it.
Each time I become aware that he is visiting these sites, I go through a variety of emotions, sorrow, anger, disgust, feelings of rejection, revulsion, sadness, hurt and each time I have the feeling that something inside me has been damaged. The more it happens, the more time that passes without feeling any wish on his part to remedy the situation, the more I feel estranged from him and the less hope I have for our future as a couple.
But I think the time has arrived to put an ultimatum to him because I know that the situation can still be saved. I also know that time is limited if nothing changes.

Thanks for your (long) letter, which bears sincere witness to your confusion faced with your partner’s addiction. Obviously he is very addicted and has so been for a very long time. That’s why he can’t kick the habit. He desperately needs to seek the advice of a sexual psychologist. Has he tried ?
If he hasn’t, you should be firm and why not, give him an ultimatum, because you can’t take his mother’s place !
Keep me posted, OK ?

Orroz

If you are concerned by sex addiction and need help:

http://www.sexaddict.com/
http://saa-recovery.org/
http://www.porn-free.org/